The Human Animal

Although I’m a fairly large guy I’m pretty much a baby when it comes to animals. Even if the animal is tiny, I have an innate fear of actually interacting with it (as if the animal’s aura were threatening to take my lunch money). Over the years, and by way of having no choice, I’ve managed to overcome my fear of domesticated animals like cats, dogs, and pet rocks, but that’s pretty much where rational thought begins and ends. It’s not that I wish human beings were the only living things on Earth, it’s just that most of the time I wish I didn’t have to interact with anything else. I find dealing with human beings overly complicated as it is. Throw a pet iguana into the mix and, honestly, I’m at a loss for words.

Now, some people it seems to me just decide to treat anything that isn’t a human being as if it were a small child and/or really stupid. I’m not sure where this custom came from, but as a result, it is pretty much socially acceptable to talk to your children the same way you talk to your neighbor’s pet monkey. I find this confusing at best. So, I’m mostly silent around animals– maybe it’s out of respect for my future children?! Plus, how do these people come up with things to talk about? Even if you find a common interest, you are entirely responsible for sustaining the conversation, and everything you ask, you have to answer yourself. Like this: “You don’t like that toy do you? No, of course not– you’ve graduated from the squeaky toys! Do you like this one better? Oh sorry, you’re right that one’s CRAP! How about this one? No, that’s crap too! Oh, you like THAT one? But that’s the old one! Oh, you like old one? Well, if I had known that I wouldn’t have bought all these new ones. But the old one makes you happy, right? Well, that’s what counts! And now you’re just a happy, happy, happy face aren’t you? Yes, I know you are! You are happy! Are you hungry? Oh, of course not, it’s too early, sorry! Go-ahead play with your toy, you can eat later. Don’t mind me; I’m just the guy who buys the toys and says your inner monologues.” I’m sure some people do better than that, but like I said: I’m not good at it.

Anyway, the point is: I’m fairly animal phobic. And I believe that animals can sense this– coupled with my inability to hold much of a conversation with them, this makes for a fairly tense meeting. I mean, how would you like it if a giant came up to you while you were getting ready to pee on a tree and just sorta stared at you in veiled fear? I bet you’d find that pretty weird. I know I would, as the giant anyway. You’d have your defenses up, as would I, making for a crappy environment and uncomfortable pee. And that pretty much in a nut shell describes me with animals: an uncomfortable pee.

You know, the animal/human bonding thing is odder than people will admit– there’s a distinction between those who pee on trees and those who stare at those who pee on trees, but nobody’s talking about it with the animals. I mean, if communication is as easy as people make it seem, shouldn’t folks be asking some more obvious questions here? Questions like: “What is so sexy about my leg?”, “Don’t you realize it’s got a picture of a little dead mouse on it?”, ?”, “Do you ever lose track of lives?”, “Is licking your balls really as fun as it looks?”, “Do you think your shadow has mysterious powers over the weather?”, “Are you trying to poop on us?”, “Does Polly really want a cracker?”, “What’s your take on Tom and Jerry?”, “Is it really all Ralph Nader’s fault?”, “Who shot Kennedy?”, “Do you get bad luck when you look at yourself?”, “Who’s your real best friend?”, “How come you never hang out near Chinese restaurants?”, “Jaws music: scary as shit or mating call?”, “Mickey Mouse or Mighty Mouse?”, “Easter Bunny or Bugs Bunny?”, “Aren’t you being a little selfish with the heaven policy?”, “Would you just put on this outfit and hold these cymbols like your about to smack them together?”, “Can we clear up whether you’re actually sexy or sneaky or just… crazy?”, “If you guys were less happy hanging around in crap all day, do you think you might get started working on the whole flying scenario?”, “Is all that ass sniffing really necessary?”, “Are you offended by the Chinese calendar?”, “Have you noticed the weird Chinese theme I’ve got going here?”, “Would you ever consider using an online dating service?”, “Is there any chance you will ever answer any of these questions?”, “WHY AM I SO SCARED OF YOU?”, [Pause] [Pause]… [Pause]

And maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m scared because there is no answer… ever; everything is unknown. And the unknown is scary… especially when it has claws.

I know there is important information to be gleaned from the animal world (reference questions above); after all, when it comes right down to it: I’m an animal as well (oh yeah… you know it baby). But, until one of these creatures actually responds to me in at least a semi-coherent fashion, I’m gonna stick to staring and being scared and pretending to be a giant; you feel free to cover the baby-talk. Let me know if you make any progress.

‘Till next time… I’m outa here like an almost-steer!