The Quiet

Things have been relatively quiet over here on my personal blog since the big magazine project. I’m torn about whether to continue a personal blog with the magazine, or to just move everything over to the mag. Can’t iron out the details at the moment. However, I will definitely be redesigning this blog by way of moving it to a payed server and therefore having actual design control.

You can read a short post from the mag here:
http://receivingme.com/blog/?p=65

Also, on a sad note, Ivan Dixon passed away.

I am a HUGE Hogan’s Heroes fan and Dixon played radio expert “Kinchloe” or “Kinch” as he was often called. He was actually the only main member of the cast to leave the show (one year before it was canceled). He immediately started directing TV after that and had a very successful career in that field. Even as a kid I always found him a bit uncomfortable on Hogan’s Heroes, but he had this great warmth nonetheless and the show really needed that heart. He was also one of the go-to actors in the cast when they needed someone to perform a crazy German accent. They actually had him do it quite often and in those moments he really did make Bob Crane and some of the others look like amateurs (Crane’s German accent was terrible AND not funny). Maybe I’ll send him a radio message to see how his new digs are treating him. Or maybe I’ll just watch a few Hogan’s Heroes episodes and laugh. I am sorry he is gone.

An Open Letter to The Sub-Cranial Cavern

Dear Mam:

As you know, Bern-it-Up! LLC has been the official sponsor of The Sub-Cranial Cavern for The Cavern’s entire existence. This is a relationship that is agreeable and mutually beneficial. Bern-it-Up! is proud to count The Sub-Cranial Cavern employees among its most ardent and only readers. The company also enjoys supplying The Cavern with readership. Creatively, spiritually, and sexually all is well. Unfortunately, amidst this dreamy backdrop, Bern-it-Up! is facing a financial crises; that is to say, the company has yet to raise the substantial cash reserves necessary to support its own gargantuan waste of time. Although Bern-it-Up! appreciates that The Cavern is likewise accomplished in this realm, and greatly respects this shared mission, the company’s employee has unanimously voted to withhold funding for any secondary projects until such time as the employee has eaten. Though the decision was difficult and tragic, it “might taste good”. That being said, rest assured that measures have been taken to dissuade this type of aspiration in the future, including adopting a stylish new motto: “Don’t eat!” The company is confident that this is a vast improvement over the overly optimistic old motto: “Food!” This is a cost effective change as well, as the new company logo will simply be the old logo (with the hungry guy and the fruit basket) festooned with a big red “X”. It is this sort of ingenuity that keeps Bern-It-Up! in contention to make a donation of actual usable money (sorry about the Monopoly thing) sometime in the not so distant future, or at least before we transfer over to the DNA swap currency system. As, no doubt, The Cavern has often heard: patience, indulgence, and hallucination are the keys to any good Bern-it-Up! contractual relationship.

Though financial support may be lacking, Bern-it-Up! offers its sincerest, warmest, and most heartfelt ________________, which we trust The Cavern will be able to imagine with the utmost spirit, dignity, and patriotism.

Yours most evasively,

Berni Tup
Founder/Employee/Company
Bern-it-Up! LLC

P.S. To assist us in cutting business expenses further, please photocopy this letter and deliver it to yourself at the beginning of each month.

Once Upon a Blog…

*First, a note about formatting*

If you see a “Continue Reading…” link at the bottom of the first paragraph of an entry, click it for more torture. However, be warned: whereas before (on the old blog) the link would display the entire article on your screen, now (in the depths of Hell) the link will automatically jump to the next sentence/second paragraph in the post. This “next sentence” will be conveniently displayed at the very top of your browser, where you won’t be looking! So, if you approach my website from a logical standpoint you will probably skip the second paragraph in every post. Blame the new website; I have no control! I had thought about protesting this asinine formatting by writing completely nonsensical second paragraphs from here on out, but, upon further review, I realized I had been doing this already. It’s good to know I can retain my charming, winsome, and accidental style. And now for the “Continue Reading…” test…

Back in Black

I don’t like taking showers. It’s not that I’m a dirty person, or that I don’t clean myself everyday; it’s just that everyday I postpone the process of cleaning myself for as long as possible. One problem with this strategy is that I also hate feeling dirty. In fact, the only thing I hate more than taking a shower is feeling dirty. So, in the precise moment when my disdain for feeling dirty has eclipsed my desire to put off taking a shower any longer, I am probably the most fearsome creature on the face of this Earth. I often try to alleviate the monster that is created by the meeting of these two hates by drinking heroic quantities of coffee, and reminding myself that water feels better than acid. But these tactics do little, and prove but temporary as the beast within me rages.

Snippets of a Troubled Mind

So, I’ve been trying to write a post about the tragic subject of “what makes something funny”. This of course is one of the worst, most painful, and terribly unfunny possible topics ever dreamed; so, obviously I can’t stop myself from trying and beating my head against my head. I actually got so far as to post my entry (and I believe two lucky readers out there actually read it–my sincerest apologies) before I decided to delete it moments later and start typing the words you are reading right now. So, instead of sharing my original post with you and losing your readership for all eternity, I will share what I will term the “middle-lights” in no particular order and without regard for coherence:

He Giveth, He Taketh

There’s a time and a place for all things, and now is the time for great learning. So, you know your ABC’s; you know of the space/time continuum; you know the eminent musical minds of generations; you know of the pleasure of beer; but do you know of the Chan? Here is a pleasure of which without, your life is a meaningless collection of platitudes and flagellation. For without the Chan, life is not life at all and smells of ass. But with the Chan, life is enthralling and smells of the sweet fragrant nectars of the gods’ good smelly stuff. So, I say unto you in the words of the Chan himself (translated here for clarity and dramatic tension): “Don’t try to be like Jackie. There is only one Jackie. Study computers instead.” Repeat this mantra daily for mental and spiritual clarity– three times before each meal and four times before any sexual relations; this will remind you of your mortality and save you from the indignation of the injuries that would have ensued if you had attempted that pretzely thing you read about in the Kama Sutra. Such twisty body contortions are for the Chan and the Chan alone. Your joy comes by way of watching and saying, “Holy shit!” And much joy it will be! For the Chan will open your life to the limitless possibilities of what you can’t do; knowledge that will bring you true humility; humility which will bring you true veneration; and veneration which will bring you closer to understanding your unworthiness of the Chan. But the Chan giveth nonetheless. For it is the guiding principle, the generous spirit of the Chan, to perpetually absolve all followers their athletic deficiencies and derelict comic timing.

Boomshine

I added the great game “Boomshine” to the Games section. Check it out.

New Design

Well, if you are one of the few people who reads this blog you may have noticed the new design. I hope you like it. The old design wasn’t very flexible and I felt sort of handcuffed. Feel free to post comments like, “Boy you suck!” and “My eyes are bleeding!”.

Also note that I’ve created a “Games” page (to your left) so that you’ll always know where to find the goodies. I will still announce games in this main section.

***ANOUNCEMENT*** There’s a new game in there called “Ball Bounce”! Very Cool!

The Human Animal

Although I’m a fairly large guy I’m pretty much a baby when it comes to animals. Even if the animal is tiny, I have an innate fear of actually interacting with it (as if the animal’s aura were threatening to take my lunch money). Over the years, and by way of having no choice, I’ve managed to overcome my fear of domesticated animals like cats, dogs, and pet rocks, but that’s pretty much where rational thought begins and ends. It’s not that I wish human beings were the only living things on Earth, it’s just that most of the time I wish I didn’t have to interact with anything else. I find dealing with human beings overly complicated as it is. Throw a pet iguana into the mix and, honestly, I’m at a loss for words.

Tina’s Reading!

Don’t try to convince me this is just a coincidence: only days after I wrote that Hillary Clinton (unlike her husband) suffers from her inability to be “secretly black”, Tina Fey retorts: “Being a formidable woman is the new black. ” It seems I ruffled her feathers some, eh? My readership has reached an all time high of 4! Eat that NY Times!

Read the article: Tina Fey

Then check out: Me

Don’t worry Tina, baby, nobody else takes me that seriously! We’re both sensitive souls and this anomosity really weighs on people like us. Let’s call a truce. And while were at it, why don’t you throw a few residual checks my way and I’ll get you some work at Mum Puppettheatre! See, I can be reasonable!